


racing spirits, fragile hearts

by justromandaydreams



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Just read, M/M, but it's also kind of sweet, did you really expect anything else, sorry it's angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-16 13:38:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20827775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justromandaydreams/pseuds/justromandaydreams
Summary: maybe it will all go up in flames and end in tears. maybe it will last till the final chequered flag flies





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to Reasons Not To Die by Ryn Weaver and couldn't get this out of my head. Each chapter is based on a segment of the song.

** _Flew here to help clear the mess that was me_ **  
** _Made up of fear and self-hate._ **

Max meant to go see Charles after the podium at Sochi he really did. The Monegasque was clearly upset. But his boyfriend had been whisked away as soon as the podium ended. Max didn’t envy him right now. He’d heard from Daniel how difficult Sebastian could be when things didn’t go the German’s way.

Hours passed and there was still no word from Charles. There were whispers among the paddock about what could possibly be going on in that mythical red stable. Max didn’t care. He had no reason to. Charles would tell him everything. Maybe over dinner. Maybe in bed late at night because he couldn’t sleep. Max’s guess was the latter.

His boyfriend had a bad habit of bottling everything up until something pushed him over the edge and it all comes spilling out at three in the morning. Charles liked to call it compartmentalizing. Max called it unhealthy coping mechanisms. 

Finally, Charles emerged, flanked by Mattia. Max watched as they said their goodbyes, Mattia placing a comforting hand on Charles' shoulder before departing. Charles waited for his team boss to disappear before making his way over to Max. His gait slightly faster and tenser than normal. The average observer wouldn’t notice it, but Max wasn’t average. Never had been. Never would be.

“What are you still doing here?” Charles was shocked to see his boyfriend just standing there in the late evening light of Sochi. “You’re supposed to be on a plane to the Netherlands for your birthday right now.”

Max simply smiled. “And not get to see you at all?” He linked one of his fingers with Charles. It was a tiny, undiscernible gesture but it meant the world. Two rivals. Two lovers. “There are other planes.”

Charles ran a tired over his face, looking weary. Max was happy to see some of the tension drop out of his shoulders. “I just wasn’t fast enough, Max. I could have-”

“Stop.” Max grabbed Charles’ hands; his tone harsh. “This wasn’t your fault. You know that. I know that. Ferrari knows that. Now go get your stuff”

Charles cracked a sad smile. “You might be right.”

Max gave his hands a tight a squeeze. “I am right."


	2. Chapter 2

**_You tried and you cried, confessing your grip was slipping_ **  
** _Couldn't help me, you held me, the shadows began to fade  
_ **

Charles twisted in his sleep, his brow furrowed. It was just past 2:00 in the morning. Max could see Monaco flickering from the balcony window, the city quiet.

Max really should have seen this coming. Suzuka was next on the schedule.

Charles didn’t like to talk about it, but he knew the track caused him distress. His boyfriend had told him earlier that he would dedicate his first win there to Jules. Max thought Charles had dedicated far too many things to people in his short life. A chill ran down his spine when he thought of Spa.

A sharp cry from Charles immediately pulled him from his thoughts. The Monegasque had jolted awake and was staring at the ceiling, eyes wide.

“Charles?” Max lay a gentle hand on Charles’ chest.

“Don’t you dare crash” Charles gasped out, grabbing Max’s hand in a vicelike grip. “Not in free practice, not in quali, not-“

Max shushed him gently. “I’ll do my best _schat_.”

“No promise me. Promets-moi!”

“I can’t do that. You know that.”

Charles hunched his shoulders and swung his legs over the side of the bed, unable to look at Max. “I know. I just-“ his voice broke. “I just can’t lose you too.”

Max crawled over to his boyfriend and hugged him from behind trying to reassure the Monegasque. “You won’t.”

“You can’t promise that” Charles sounded worn down, hollowed out. Too tired to cry.

Max pressed a slow kiss to the top of Charles’ head. “I know,” he murmured into his hair. “I know.”


	3. Chapter 3

** _Here's to the ones_ **  
** _The renegades who never run_ **  
** _Despite all of my ranting and raging so_ **  
** _Here's to the ones_ **  
_**Who** **hide**_ **_the bullet from the gun_ **

The first time Max kissed Charles was after Austria. It was kind of a heat of the moment thing. Their team principles had foolishly left them alone for a little bit after the meeting with the stewards. Charles had been sitting in silence in the corner looking like a murderous, kicked puppy. And Max just wanted to get under his skin, and well, maybe his clothes too, if he was completely honest with himself.

“Good race.” He walked over, extending his hand.

Charles looked at it like he was considering biting it off. Finally he shook Max’s hand, still not saying anything.

Max held on to his rival’s hand. “You could say ‘good race’ too you know.” He was goading Charles on, curious to see if he could get a reaction out of the Ferrari driver.

Charles met his gaze. “Make me.” The Monegasque was still fuming from having lost his first victory.

“Maybe I will” Max smirked and moved in closer, exuding confidence.

Charles suddenly found himself between the wall and the Dutchman. “What are you doing Max?” his voice was soft, curious, but not scared.

Max looked down at Charles. “I don’t know…” Their faces were just inches apart. He summoned all his courage and pressed his lips to Charles’. The kiss was short, messy, but electric, almost too much. Max pulled away and dashed out of the room. Lion courage gone.

It’s not until after Germany that they see each other again. Max is sitting in his hotel room still reveling in the afterglow of victory. A knock at the door surprises him. He is even more surprised, if not slightly thrilled when he sees Charles standing on the other side of the door, still clearly distraught from his DNF

“I don’t want to feel like this anymore,” Charles tells him when Max lets him in.

“Like what?”

“Worthless.” Charles stares at the ground.

“You’re not worthless.” Max tips Charles’ chin up to look at him. There’s a tense pause and then their lips collide. But unlike Austria this is slow, tinged with melancholy.

Later when they are lying in bed, sheets tangled around their bare legs, he feels a few droplets on his arm. Max’s heart clenches when he realizes Charles is softly crying. He pulls Charles up into a tender kiss not caring when the taste turns salty.


	4. Chapter 4

_**But of course, the dark horse**_  
_** You bet all in stride**_  
_** I hope I'm not**_** _a regret, I see sweat_**  
_** I'll fight to the finish line**_

Max watches Charles on the top of the podium at Monza. The world was at his boyfriend’s feet. It was as if all of Italy had come to see the coronation of Ferrari’s prince.

It’s not often Max feels insecure. But in that moment, up on the elevated podium, a sea of adoring tifosi beneath the Ferrari driver, Charles seemed distant, untouchable, glorious.

And Max felt very small.

Charles stumbles into Max’s hotel room that night, clearly intoxicated after celebrating with the team. He embraces Max, stammering drunken reasons for not finding him sooner.

Yes, Max, reassured himself as he held his tipsy, jubilant boyfriend, Charles was human. Charles was his.


	5. Chapter 5

** _And I get so stuck in my head_ **   
** _Lost in all the lies, nihilistic backslide_ **   
** _And when I can't get out of bed_ **   
** _And I see the edge I'm slipping from the ledge_ **   
** _And praying to gods I don't believe in for a sign_ **   
** _Some reasons not to die and there you are_ **

There are days when Charles feels weighed down by the expectations and memories of those he has lost.

There are days when he can’t look at an F1 car without thinking about his father and everything he sacrificed to help him.

There are days when he puts on the Ferrari fireproofs and can’t help but feel like Jules should be there instead.

There are days like that Sunday at Spa when he would do anything, absolutely anything, to talk to them all again.

There and days he would just get in the car and drive and drive. Trying to outrun grief.

Then he fell in love with Max.

There are still those days. There will always be those days. But now he has someone to hold him, reassure, love, and value him as more than a driver.

They are both flawed. Charles, pessimistic and self-critical. Max hot-tempered and stubborn.

Both, frighteningly competitive. But they meshed, balancing each other out.

Their fates irreversibly intertwined.

Their destinies, written in the stars.


End file.
